Posted on May 16, 2013, 10:30 pm
k, that lovey stuff i was going on about in the last couple blogs didn't work out. at all. and that was that the likely outcome from day one. i knew that. but it just crept up and things started to look like it just might work in some preternatural way. but no. it kind of hit me by surprise. that's like the only way it can work. it has to sting. it has to hurt or it won't end. i'll always play ball. a question was put to me in a TED talk the other day. my mind was so out of the habit of thinking in certain terms, that the question hit me sideways and i was stuck at trying to think of an answer. the question was "what would you attempt to do if you knew you wouldn't fail?" i started going through thoughts and tossing them out one at a time. "be a star? ughh. big pain in the ass.." etc. the real thought that actually stuck was something like "make so and so love me." i mistreated the question as "what if you had a wish?" anyway the woman who posed the question designed rockets. like the first rocket to go over mach 20. she went on to talk about challenges they had to face and try to work around in the performance of their duty, the duty of advancing science and civilization. how they'd waste billions and years on a rocket that would hit near mach 20 and then be destroyed, each rocket the goal was to gain control of the rocket for longer and longer amounts of time. 20 seconds. a minute or 2. i think the most recent was like 10-20 minutes. 20 times the speed of sound, 15,200 mph. but me. i thought about love, or maybe more honestly, physical affection. it reveals a big weakness and deficiency in me. noted.
what i really want to talk about is how i'm bouncing back. the plans and projects i got. the lifestyle i'm thinking about. my life as an adult. not a big teen or child, there's always that, i can always do that and i always will. but i mean what i'm really going to to do with my time and freedom that i am SO LUCKY AND GRATEFUL to have.
an exhaustive effort to obtain and arrange all the significant events of my life. i'm using all the info i can grab. medical records, criminal records, drug treatment records, start and end dates of jobs, school, emails, "created and modified" dates of files, of course my blog starting with the myspace one and then moving to the one here, which the bigger part of is down, but stored and matchable by date. all intact. along with that solid, static sort of info to drop on the timeline as scaffolding or skeleton or what-have-you, i have been collecting anecdotes. stories that i have to tell. things that happened. funny, crazy, scary. badass, cool, weird, mystical, whatever. significant things. for now i am just texting a few words to myself when i think of them, that i later transfer to a file on my pc called "history. just enough words to make me re-remember when i glance at it. i want to make a book/program of it all. categorize the stories by era, topic, person, place, etc. have it all really sortable and easy to navigate. have indicators that tell you if you have read a certain storiy yet and also a percentage indicator to tell you how close you are to having read them all. then lots of options like "click for more from this era/person/topic/etc" or "click for random story" drugs, crimes, fights, madness, overdoses on psych-meds. just crazy extreme stories of my generation. the ones who did not give no fuck. we had no cause. we just didn't care or believe in anything anymore we caught the adults in lies and hypocrisy and that was enough of justification for us that we didn't have to abide by shit. only avoid consequences.
Beyond this book/program timeline, i think i want to actually make it live. taggable and commentable. and a wiki aspect where people can offer supporting stories and details that others can debate about. i think this is the main way i will be able to avoid getting beaten up or sued. get everyone in on it. it's something a lot of people have wanted to do for a long time. write the story of the extended fond du lac crew. our stories. madness. delinquents. God's forgotten children. "freedom fighters". but also love and honor and friendship and bonds of bromance and the respect (and ass kissing) of wonderful females. I have the time and I am doing it. it's working. i think once i get enough of the right people in on it, it will start to grow out of my control. the more data you have, the more it facilitates remembering things and correlating the times and places of things. it can only snowball.
the point? well.. because it can be done. and for love. for identity and memory and insight. to be able to look back and gain insight. untie knots. truth. more and more truth.
i'm making softwares to help me make healthy choices throughout the day. reminders to take pills and eat and brush my teeth and stuff. yeah. sad. loser. blah blah. when you alone as long as me, that shit matters less and less. but i HAVE been making steady progress over time as far as improving my health. from here, with the help of programs, which are really just external add-ons to my own brain, i can fine tune it more. the software will tell me when to do things and have a count down timer till it starts to annoyingly remind me. but it will also ask me questions where it captures answers. "when did you wake up?" "what did you eat?" etc. for now i will have a parallel spreadsheet to put the data in, but i will have it grow more and more easy to use as it goes. it will populate the fields automatically for calories etc, when i enter in a food. and i can then SEE! like with the timeline. SEE the patterns. study myself. be my doctor. why? because the better i am, the better i feel, the more nimble my body and mind are, the better i will be at the other projects.
i have resolved to make a new album. and i intend to raise the bar. i'm doing things that have not been done before as far as timing and stuff. the other bar i want to raise is what is being said. it has to be levels of honesty that will embarrass me and anyone listening. humble them. break their hearts maybe. i have ideas.
an Arduino is a microcontroller. a programmable circuit board with inputs and outputs. you plug it in USB and you can write code for it and then flash the code onto it and it will then run the code independently. it can be powered by the USB port itself, a 9 volt battery, an ac adaptor or, like i like, my solar charger. the possibilities of what can be done with arduino are really endless. the catch phrase is "scratch you own itch". you make your own gadgets. and it's open source. i've got tons of ideas of what i want to do with mine. they are super cheap too and upgradable. i have a book on it i got with my kit. I'll be posting as I make progress. I want to do experiments to. psychological ones. unorthodox ones. I have tons in mind!
so. that is what is up. that is what is keeping me from being sad about girl. THAT is my self acceptance. liking and loving who i can be. enjoying the stuff i enjoy and doing it freely. taking pride in it and basing my value on MY OWN ideas of what is valuable, NOT someone else. especially not some fickle, emotional cripple tease!
girls. for fucks sake. if i'm just not [whatever] enough. not tall enough or something stupid like that, just leave me alone. go find someone better. my interest in you is love and affection. companionship. partnership. the real thing. sex. a girlfriend or even a wife. if you are jaded or chicken or whatever, or if you find me not to be "man material", just go. if you had ANY idea how much a slight brush with one of you disrupts my well-being. how badly it hurts and how long it can last. you don't want me to be sad. you aren't malicious, right?. don't you see? i'm decades deprived of that kind of love so i go nuts over it. a hug. a kiss. i don't need advice. I don't need to hear anyone say some cute, facebook witty, oversimplified adage-ism intended to point out something i supposedly don't get. i don't need to play stupid games to try to trick someone into giving me a chance. you aren't retarded or an animal are you? so use your brain. consider me as a mate, and if you don't think i make the cut LEAVE ME ALONE! sadly no girls are reading this, but you just never know.
This wish is mine. And it didn't come true. So I'm taking it BACK. My Love is taking them ALL back!